If only an infinite number of “if onlys” could change a moment

There aren’t that many moments in my life that I would give ANYTHING to change, but looking back to Sunday afternoon, 3:00 pm, I can’t help but think “If only I had stopped to put on my watch, if only I hadn’t taken a pee, if only I had taken a longer pee, if only we hadn’t made the light for the left-hand turn onto Highway 36 towards Lyons, if only I had been riding faster, if only we had been riding slower, if only, if only, if only”.  I could take those thoughts back further, tracing them back through the day, the weekend, even the months.  Not that it matters, because you can’t accumulate enough to do anything but drive yourself crazy.

The short story – Michael is both unlucky and lucky.  A car hit him while we were riding.  He is going to be okay, but it will be a very long and slow recovery, and, to be honest, we have no idea what the full impact or implications of this will be on him, on us, on our life.  The good news – yes, he is concussed, but thankfully the helmet did its job (and is now ready for the trash bin) and neurologically he is stable.  He has fractures, but they will heal with time.  It is going to be a long, slow process, and we are both going to need patience with each other and with…  everything.

I don’t know how to articulate what I’m feeling – relief, gratitude, frustration, anger, worry, fear.  We’ve always recognized that biking is a risky pursuit, but knowing that an accident or crash is probable versus experiencing it, like this one in particular, there is a vast chasm that separates that knowledge vs. experience.  I’m not sure that anything could or would have prepared us for dealing with something like this.

I’d like to end on a hopeful note – our bike ride last Saturday to Carter Lake.  It was a gorgeous day, the first weekend without snow or rain in weeks, and we were both happy to be out there.  He’ll get back on a bike (not this one), and we’ll share that experience again.  FullSizeRender-3

 

Be safe out there.

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10 thoughts on “If only an infinite number of “if onlys” could change a moment

  1. Oh my gosh. I’m so relieved he survived. 😦 I hope his recovery is quick and not horrible and that he DOES want to get back on a bike at some point. And it’s horrible you had to see your loved one get hurt, but thank heavens you were together!

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    1. Kim – In so many ways, he is/we are lucky, and I’m trying to keep that in mind. “Quick” is going to be very relative – it will take months, but he should recovery fully. And, you are right, as terrible as it was to be there, I can’t imagine how this would have been if he had been alone or if we had been separated on the ride (which does occasionally happen).

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    1. Rob – Thanks for reaching out to us. Mike will recover – but in the meantime, raise a margarita to his health and to cycling!

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  2. I’m so sorry to hear that the accident happened, but so happy to hear that he’s going to be okay in the long run. I hate how dangerous it is to be out on two wheels these days. My husband hold his breath every time I go out for a ride. All the healing thoughts are coming his way.

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    1. Tiina – I can’t explain the irony of where he was hit – in Boulder, on a road with a HUGE shoulder, not at an intersection… Thanks for the healing thoughts. He’s already so much better than he was a few days ago, and we’re both focusing on his recovery.

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  3. I am so sorry to hear about this — sending plenty of good thoughts your way. This is something I fear every single time I get on the bike. We’re so small and vulnerable out there, and accidents can happen at any time. I hope Mike heals quickly.

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    1. Thanks so much – I definitely appreciate all the positive thoughts that are coming our way. I’ve never considered myself a ‘real cyclist’, but when I think about not riding because of fear, that’s not something that I’m okay with.

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  4. Oh, gosh… chills. I’m so sorry this happened, and I’m so relieved to hear he’ll be ok. Sending him healing energy for a quick recovery. And, I’m thinking of you both. xo.

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